Just finished watching a the movie "The Young Visitors or Mr. Salteena's plan" a somewhat surreal movie based on a story written by a 9 yrs old girl in 1890 in 12 days. It is almost satire about love, relationships, materialism, strange insight for a young girl to write. When I switched the dvd off and back to TV on PBS there appeared to be the former Cat Stevens singing Sad Lisa, a song I can easily relate to having been on both sides of it:

"She hangs her head and cries in my shirt
She must be hurt very badly
Tell me what's making you sadly
Open your door, don't hide in the dark
You're lost in the dark, you can trust me
'Cause you know that's how it must be

Lisa, Lisa Sad Lisa, Lisa

Her eyes like windows tricklin' rain
Upon her pain getting deeper
Tho' my love wants to relieve her
She walks alone from wall to wall
Tho' I know she likes to be near me

Lisa, Lisa Sad Lisa, Lisa

She sits in a corner by the door
There must be more I can tell her
If she really wants me to help her
I'll do what I can to show her the way
And maybe someday I will free her
Tho' I know no one can see her"
Sad Lisa-Cat Stevens


I think of a lost friend, who helped take me from the darkness, regain my silliness, optimism, dreams, just be me again. I could just be me, that was enough, whatever me was from moment to moment, I was so comfortable in that space we shared, I could go out and take on the world again. I could bring new people, relationships into my life, be support of my gf who is dying, be creative, deal with fire inspectors, put the past behind me and once again believe that life would get better somehow, and it did.

Then when darkness began to overtake him I did everything I could, it seemed to both of us that I was helping but somehow he got lost. I know I am part of the darkness, as well as the light, nothing I can do but wait hope and try to be the person he helped me find again.

When he left the last time in July, he said he would be back and I said I would be here. He said don't you dare waste away, just continue to be you, knowing you are you is good enough for me.
Sometimes, in the stress and worry of the lingering uncertainty, I get upset, hurt and angry. I forget who he is, who I am, how we are linked, kindred spirits, that none of this is intentional, that we are lucky.

I try to keep going forward, to have faith, to not think of the lost of time. Sometimes it is so frustrating, I want to tell him so much: I got a new car, I am traveling, making swishy skirts, designing pants with strange pockets, seeing old friends, haven't broken or ripped anything all year! Anna moved back to England. I have been only in the er once this year! I am getting to know someone I really like, am considering more conventional relationships, saw Al perform, heard (and talked with) Richard Thompson.

There are also the things that are the same- its mid June and the garden is not fully planted, I still didn't finish the curtains, I have the same job (for now...), and he is still my rock, wherever he is, however lost and wobbly he may be. I know he would be here if he could. I will try to remember that.

Dorothy made: this comment, So sad....reminds me of a female version of "Sundown, Yellow Moon...." comment added :: {ts '2005-06-17 14:44:47'} GMT-06
	Laurie made this comment, I thought I left a comment yesterday but it isn't here. I must be skipping a step. I think I said I hope everything comes out okay and I hope you're okay. If that isn't what I said, it's what I'm feeling for you today. I hope you're okay. comment added :: {ts '2005-06-17 16:40:11'} GMT-06
	Susan made this comment, Dorothy-"Sundown, Yellow Moon...." ??? I had to look that up. Well umm, we never had a falling out, and we had no idea it would be so long, I guess its more like "Fire and Rain" if you know the story behind it, but hopefully this one will end better. Laurie-Thank you, I hope everything comes out okay too, and SOON!!!! I am mainly okay, 5 out of 7 nights okay this week ;-) You had asked about July...