The lovers, the dreamers and me...

Happy Thanksgiving!




RAINBOW CONNECTION
Kermit the Frog
(Paul Williams and Kenneth Ascher)

Why are there so many
Songs about rainbows
And what's on the other side
Rainbow's are visions
They're only illusions
And rainbows have nothing to hide
So we've been told and some chose to
Believe it
But I know they're wrong wait and see

Someday we'll find it
The Rainbow Connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me

Who said that every wish
Would be heard and answered
When wished on the morning star
Somebody thought of that
And someone believed it
And look what it's done so far
What's so amazing
That keeps us star gazing
What do we think we might see

Someday we'll find it
That Rainbow Connection
The lovers the dreamers and me

Have you been half asleep
And have you heard voices
I've heard them calling my name
Are these the sweet sounds that called
The young sailors
I think they're one and the same
I've heard it too many times to ignore it
There's something that I'm supposed to be

Someday we'll find it
The Rainbow Connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me

Waiting

"Could it be? Yes, it could.
Something's coming, something good,
If I can wait!
Something's coming, I don't know what it is,
But it is
Gonna be great!

With a click, with a shock,
Phone'll jingle, door'll knock,
Open the latch!
Something's coming, don't know when, but it's soon;
Catch the moon,
One-handed catch!

Around the corner,
Or whistling down the river,
Come on, deliver
To me!
Will it be? Yes, it will.
Maybe just by holding still,
It'll be there!"
Music by Leonard Bernstein, lyrics by Stephen Sondheim.

I am really not very good at waiting for most things, its so hard to do! I want to jump in a car, jump on a plane, do it now! Conversely, I have yet to get out of my house today at all. Did the shower, got dressed, did some work online but still I had plans to be out. Didn't happen. Unfortunately life does not stop just because I seem to.
Did some things I was planning do around here. Took apart the convection oven and ran the pieces through the dishwasher. Rebent the underwires and put them back into the bra I made at the workshop last weekend. Tried it on again, well... it fits but underwires are still evil!!! I can feel their hardness, I have been told if they fit, you can't even feel them, HA! Without underwires the pressure is on my shoulders and the center section doesn't lie flat against my chest, seems to be a weight issue.

Looks like my sailor may possibly be traversing his way back, not sure. Not sure what happens...

made it!

Well I made it through the month of July! Its been a long one, lots of changes.
Another friend is MIA, or at least someone I thought was a friend, so what else is new? makes me very sad though. It was a hard month for many reasons, the hardest being memories of the previous July and the July before that.

Saw a lot of old friends, 4 out of town ones, did some trips, helped with house sales, it was hot and humid, altered a skirt for a 3 yr old to go to a wedding in, she was amazingly patient for the fittings, taking a bagging tutorial, inadvertently joined an exclusive bespoke tailoring lounge online, I am now one of 300 men it seems.

Just finished watching a the movie "The Young Visitors or Mr. Salteena's plan" a somewhat surreal movie based on a story written by a 9 yrs old girl in 1890 in 12 days. It is almost satire about love, relationships, materialism, strange insight for a young girl to write. When I switched the dvd off and back to TV on PBS there appeared to be the former Cat Stevens singing Sad Lisa, a song I can easily relate to having been on both sides of it:

"She hangs her head and cries in my shirt
She must be hurt very badly
Tell me what's making you sadly
Open your door, don't hide in the dark
You're lost in the dark, you can trust me
'Cause you know that's how it must be

Lisa, Lisa Sad Lisa, Lisa

Her eyes like windows tricklin' rain
Upon her pain getting deeper
Tho' my love wants to relieve her
She walks alone from wall to wall
Tho' I know she likes to be near me

Lisa, Lisa Sad Lisa, Lisa

She sits in a corner by the door
There must be more I can tell her
If she really wants me to help her
I'll do what I can to show her the way
And maybe someday I will free her
Tho' I know no one can see her"
Sad Lisa-Cat Stevens


I think of a lost friend, who helped take me from the darkness, regain my silliness, optimism, dreams, just be me again. I could just be me, that was enough, whatever me was from moment to moment, I was so comfortable in that space we shared, I could go out and take on the world again. I could bring new people, relationships into my life, be support of my gf who is dying, be creative, deal with fire inspectors, put the past behind me and once again believe that life would get better somehow, and it did.

Then when darkness began to overtake him I did everything I could, it seemed to both of us that I was helping but somehow he got lost. I know I am part of the darkness, as well as the light, nothing I can do but wait hope and try to be the person he helped me find again.

When he left the last time in July, he said he would be back and I said I would be here. He said don't you dare waste away, just continue to be you, knowing you are you is good enough for me.
Sometimes, in the stress and worry of the lingering uncertainty, I get upset, hurt and angry. I forget who he is, who I am, how we are linked, kindred spirits, that none of this is intentional, that we are lucky.

I try to keep going forward, to have faith, to not think of the lost of time. Sometimes it is so frustrating, I want to tell him so much: I got a new car, I am traveling, making swishy skirts, designing pants with strange pockets, seeing old friends, haven't broken or ripped anything all year! Anna moved back to England. I have been only in the er once this year! I am getting to know someone I really like, am considering more conventional relationships, saw Al perform, heard (and talked with) Richard Thompson.

There are also the things that are the same- its mid June and the garden is not fully planted, I still didn't finish the curtains, I have the same job (for now...), and he is still my rock, wherever he is, however lost and wobbly he may be. I know he would be here if he could. I will try to remember that.

Dorothy made: this comment, So sad....reminds me of a female version of "Sundown, Yellow Moon...." comment added :: {ts '2005-06-17 14:44:47'} GMT-06
	Laurie made this comment, I thought I left a comment yesterday but it isn't here. I must be skipping a step. I think I said I hope everything comes out okay and I hope you're okay. If that isn't what I said, it's what I'm feeling for you today. I hope you're okay. comment added :: {ts '2005-06-17 16:40:11'} GMT-06
	Susan made this comment, Dorothy-"Sundown, Yellow Moon...." ??? I had to look that up. Well umm, we never had a falling out, and we had no idea it would be so long, I guess its more like "Fire and Rain" if you know the story behind it, but hopefully this one will end better. Laurie-Thank you, I hope everything comes out okay too, and SOON!!!! I am mainly okay, 5 out of 7 nights okay this week ;-) You had asked about July...

Comtemplating Widow's walks

I am starting to understand widow's walks. As a child they always fascinated me, when I would be in old houses I would race up to them and look out to the sea wondering why someone would use them. I figured a long once a day would be enough, the idea of pacing or spending time watching seemed so foreign to me.

I am not sure I really had that concept of that kind of the unknown before. The concept of knowing that someone wants to come home, they are trying their hardest to come home, not knowing when it would happen and trying not to think that it might not ever happen while being realistic about the dangers of the voyage.

It is kind of a semi secure helplessness. The security is in knowing their intentions. The helplessness is knowing that there is nothing you can do once they are gone, you just must wait and have some sort of faith/hope/belief that they will return in one piece.

In the beginning

I am finally breaking down and doing my blog. Actually I started a different one a few months ago but I can't get into it, so I have started a new one.

I have been thinking a lot about relationships recently. I am 44 and I have had and continue to have an assortment of non-traditional relationships, and I have always been comfortable with that. Over the past year and a half, I have found myself as an observer of or participant in relationships I have never considered before. This is puzzling and confusing at times.